One Weirdo Nation pt. II

I couldn't have predicted it myself. But my sudden increase in posting on this here blog has increased traffic.

However, the way people are finding this blog is bizarre. Most people are looking for pictures of Candice Michelle's skanky foot fetish alter ego Mackenzie Montgomery or Christiane Plant - aka The Hulkster's new tag team partner.

The week started off well with me getting hits from Google from the phrase "Khali killing wrestler". But it slowly descended into an onslaught of searches for an old wrestler's mistress. Until this post, I've not had any pictures of her on this blog. The huge majority of those searches for her picture came through Yahoo and not Google. 'Yahoo' is not a verb for a reason.

Special mention goes to the weirdos who searched for "ashley massaro implicated in escort service busted by the fbi". Something tells me they want very specific results from their searches. Either that or they've not used a search engine before.

So to conclude, if you're reading this, you're either someone with a foot fetish who's out of luck, or a retard.

Happy hunting ya pervs!

One Weirdo Nation

It's official. The Ultimate Warrior is scheduled to return to the ring for a match for the first time in a decade next month. Details can be found here.

Warrior, known to his friends as "WARRIAH!" will fight in Barcelona on the 25th June for NWE. But who will his opponent be for the big return, the money-making-match, the biggest thing to happen to wrestling since that thing Chris Benoit did?

None other than The Cabinet's own Orlando Jordan. Yup, the biggest match of the year is going to be The Ultimate Warrior versus The Ultimate supporting-role.

The make-up-wearing, bigoted, right-wing Warrior keeps a blog called 'Warrior's Machete'. In which he spouts his own brand of stupidity and moral wrongness. On a post of his made last year (this one here), I have to stop reading before the end of the first paragraph:

It has to be a difficult choice: Sluts or a Saint? Use print space and TV time to cover the sick behavior of psycho, suicidal, pop-culture sluts or revere this country’s Founding Saint’s birthday? Nah, scratch that — it wasn’t a difficult choice. No need to lie to ourselves, here. This country’s Media has for a long time easily whored itself out to irreverence, indecency...

I'm not sure about you, but when somebody who's a household name all over the world for being a professional wrestler criticizes the media for it's bias towards irreverence and indecency, the phrase "Biting the hand that feeds" comes to mind.

Seeing Hulk Hogan in the ring these days causes me to shudder. It's not the same as it used to be. However The Hulkster has made sporadic appearances in the ring forever, albeit less frequently as time goes by. The thought of Warrior stepping back into the ring after a 10 year hiatus, during which he's definitely not been training is scary. He wasn't the safest of performers back in his prime. The people who compile the Botchmania videos on Youtube must be in puddles of their own making in anticipation of Warrior's return.

For the sake of getting more hits to this blog through Google, I'll mention that Torrie Wilson was released from her WWE contract this week. I'll mention that she's also been nude on at least one occasion. That ought to do it.

Whatcha gunna do when the legislative branch runs wild on you?

The Hulkster's son, Nick "Too young to be a Backstreet Boy" Bollea will make a special appearance tomorrow to a crowd of whatever the capacity of Pinellas County Court is.

Nick faces a maximum sentence of 5 years in prison because he's apparently been charged with 'Felony reckless driving involving serious bodily injury'. Bollea won't dispute the charge. Either that means his lawyer's got something sneaky up his sleeve or Hulk's budget for lawyers is already being used up on his own ongoing divorce case.

With Wesley Snipes having recently gone down big time for tax avoision, celebrity immunity from the klink is less believable.

The thought of Nick going to prison is crazy. What the inmates would do with someone so young and pretty doesn't bare thinking about. The fact that he's under 18 matters not one jot as the boy's being charged as an adult.

However, what of The Orange One's involvement? He was seen racing with Nick and buying beers on the day of the crash. In fact, one of the charges against Nick is that he was 'a person under the age of 21 operating a vehicle with a blood alcohol level of .02 or higher'. A law which is both specific and vague at the same time.

The fact that Hulk's not been implicated in this whole thing yet is crazy. It's not as if he will have had an alibi provided by his wife (or for that matter his daughter, who was the first to be told of The Hulkster's affair).

In news more related to wrestling, Bobby Lashley's no-compete clause has expired. As such, he's being advertised to appear in Booker T's PWA promotion later this month. Funnily enough, they advertise it on the site (www.bookertpwa.com) with the words "Our mystery guest is former world champion Bobby Lashley!". That's almost as subtle as The Shockmaster's debut. With PWA becoming more and more like TNA's version of FCW, the next logical conclusion would be Lashley beating the entire TNA roster in a single match. TNA don't need former WWE guys to raise their profile and their game. If they do bring in every released WWE wrestler, the best thing they can do is job them out to put their own guys over. Otherwise, they look desperate and as if they're second best.

Oh sorry, did somebody say "Reverse-over-the-top-rope-ladder-match-inside-a-cage-but-oh-no-that's-no-ordinary-cage-it-has-two-more-sides-than-normal match"? Looks like I spoke too soon.

Giant wrestler finds fame in India

Whilst browsing BBC's news website as I do every day, I stumbled across a story that was one of the most emailed of the day.

You can read it here.

I was flabbergasted to find that the BBC had posted such an article on its' website. More shocking perhaps was the fact that this public service organisation had actually published an article which was incredibly lazily written and seemingly a regurgitation of a press release.

Khali is referred to as a "Former labourer". Which is about as true and vague as saying that I'm a "former child". What it fails to mention is the fact that Khali is also a former police officer. One who is actually AWOL from his post. One who's still been getting paid his basic police officer salary while he's been earning six figure sums in the US as a wrestler.

The entire article stinks of Khali's publicist being the author. Scraping the barrel of association by claiming he enjoys top-billing along with Hulk Hogan (click here to see the only time they met) and The Rock. Funnily enough, I can't find a video of him and The Rock together because it's never happened.

Having spent a year in Japan, the article claims, Khali had been duped by his agents. I would be inclined to agree. Having watched this match, I think Khali was duped into believing he could wrestle. I've deconstructed this match in an earlier post, so no new jokes there. It is such an awful match that you really need to see it to believe it.

The article says that Khali went to the US from Japan where he was snapped up by WWE soon after. What isn't pointed out is the fact that Khali botched a basic move on a wrestler who then died. The Great Khali killed somebody because of his own in-ring incompetence. He wasn't even that green, having wrestled near-Main Event matches in Japan (though he hides his experience very well in his Japanese matches).

The article posted on the BBC's site angers me. It genuinely does. Not because of the massively kayfabe and story-line-sticking journalism, but because it's as though Khali's agent has actually hacked into the BBC's site and posted a press release there screaming to people that he's looking for acting work. There is absolutely no merit in that journalism whatsoever. In fact, I'd be willing to to say, based on that article, that this blog has more journalistic merit than the BBC.

The long and short of it is that I watch pirated DVDs of Pay-per-Views and spend all day reading rumour sites to get that kind of opinionated fiction, I don't want my licence fee contributing to that kind of self-promotion at all.

They used to be called 'valets'

There was a time when the most you'd see of a woman in professional wrestling was as the girlfriend or manager of a wrestler. A 'valet' if you will.

It should come as no great surprise, or indeed leap of logic, to find out that WWE's own Ashley Massaro is implicated in a recent bust of a high profile escort agency by the FBI. For the real smarks I'd put a joke here about Little Guido and co.

Rolling Stone magazine were responsible for making sure that discretion was actually not assured with this escort agency.

Usually the escorts are victims of ruthless pimps. So at the risk of making this blog look like a rip off of "The Smoking Gun", let's look at the pimp.



Her name is Michelle Braun, and to be a client of her agency, you need to pay a $5,000 deposit. $2,500 of that is paid when you apply for membership. That's before you even get to meet a pornstar/Playboy model/person-who-thinks-they-can-wrestle-but-are-better-off-losing-on-reality-shows.

I'd feel severely ripped off paying that kind of extortionate money for a woman and Ashley showed up at my hotel room. It's the equivalent of buying a pack of crisps, only to realise as soon as you open it that there are only four crisps in it.

Every time I see Ashley on my TV I throw whatever food I have within reach at the screen in the vain hope that it would somehow break through the glass, travel through space and time and transcend time zones and time delays and just land in her mouth so that she'd eat something. ANYTHING. The last time I saw bones as obvious as hers was while looking at pictures of compound fractures.

It's shocking that someone as hideous and bony as her is pushed as being the fittest thing since forever while the natural, ample curves of Beth Phoenix are portrayed as being those of a massive, powerful beastcow.

Ashley was quick to defend herself on her own blog.

Just got buzzed on some BS that is going around. Dont believe it for a second.
Getting in touch with my lawyer as we speak.

Bless. I don't know what she thinks she's going to sue for. I don't think it counts as libel or defamation if it's merely stating fact. She seems quite embarrassed by the whole thing. Which is odd. Because it means she's essentially saying "I take my clothes off for cash" but draws the line at sleeping with people for cash. But that's where she misunderstands the loophole. She must be an awful escort. Imagine if the cops busted her while she was "on the job". What's she going to do, fess up or use the age-old loophole of saying that the bloke she's with is paying for her time and not her sex? Judging from her reaction to being named by Rolling Stone, she'll probably do the former.

In the end it all boils down to the phrase that everybody should live their lives by: Don't do anything you wouldn't want your mother finding out about.

Two Months?!

Yes. It's almost been two months since I last posted anything. The reason for this has been that I've moved house and it's taken this long to get the internet connection up and running. Though to be honest, I'm glad it's up. Last year I had to go without the internet for my entire 6 month tenancy of a house when I decided to go with TalkTalk. SIX MONTHS. Can you believe it? I'd managed to develop social skills and everything within that time because of my sheer misfortune.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the world of wrestling since I last wrote. Well, I say a lot. A lot of comedy GOLD and one Wrestlemania.

So let's start with the big one. Wrestlemania. My goodness what immensity. From start to finish I loved it. I feel guilty that I didn't pay for it because it was so good. Money in the Bank was truly awesome. The spots were inspirational. Not that they made me want to go down B&Q and come back with a car full of ladders to play around with in the back garden though. The fact that everyone was on top of their games so much that the match we saw even happened was crazy. If everybody working in the World banks was at that point in their careers, we'd all be a bit better off. The spots were all insane but full of logic too. Things like Johnny Nitro (They're called 'Opal Fruits' too you know) stepping onto the ladder leaning onto the turnbuckle and just riding it to another ladder. Incredible but making sense too.

The fact that CM Punk won was the culmination of scores of mark-out moments for me throughout the entire match. An incredible match that made me forget about the reality of wrestling so many times. I loved it because it took me back to how I felt watching wrestling when I was 9 or 10.

The rest of the PPV was great aswell, but to be honest, I'd rather use the rest of this blog to talk about Michael Hayes and Santino Marella.

When the story that Michael Hayes had been suspended for 60 days after Wrestlemania broke, I was shocked. But not because of what you might think. When I first read about it, I read the following:

It has been confirmed that head SmackDown writer Michael Hayes has been suspended for 60 days.

Michael Hayes has been absent since Wrestlemania, from backstage WWE. Hayes is the head writer for Smackdown. Wrestlers say Hayes is serving a 60-day suspension concerning his behavior towards a wrestler during Wrestlemania weekend. However, WWE is calling it a "vacation".

The belief backstage is that Michael Hayes got sent home for supposedly choking Carlito with wrist tape. It was meant to be a rib on Carlito, but Carlito took it as a threat to his Wrestlemania spot and threatened to show up on TNA Impact! No one knows for sure who put Hayes up to it, but the wrist tape looked like it had part of an "X" in black marker on it.

Honestly. I don't know what purpose someone would have to make that kind of thing up. The only true thing about that story is that Michael Hayes got suspended. My guess is that Damien Demento wrote it and somebody believed him. Which is the equivalent of agreeing with your town's mentalist when he tells you the leprechauns are floating off to the sky and that they're taking your corn flakes with them. ABSOLUTELY STUPID IS WHAT THAT IS MATE.

But it transpires that a good ol' boy from Georgia was a bit of a racist. On tonight's news, you'll see how the sky is blue. Apparently Dok Hendricks uses racist language all the time and that it's something you get used to when you're with him. If this is true, then it's abhorrent. Truly sickening, not that that kind of attitude exists (because let's face it, we'll never be rid of these idiots), but that that kind of attitude exists openly within a public company.

Funnily enough, since Hayes' temporary departure, things have gotten incredible on WWE TV. Firstly this week, we saw William Regal exercising what I'd like to call his HITLER CLAW. He was an absolute facist and pulled the main event. What a legend. I love him for it.

That was followed on Tuesday night by Mike Adamle pissing off. HOORAY.

And then on Friday Mick Foley made his debut on Smackdown as a commentator. That's three different shows with three reasons to not miss them. It also means that I now have three different reasons to get Sky. Which sucks. What am I? Made of money?

This week's "and finally" story is about Santino Marella getting arrested for drunk driving.



One too many Peronis saw Santino fail TWO different field sobriety tests before being taken into a cell for the night. He was released on a $500 bail while elsewhere a sigh of relief was heard from Vince McMahon who may or may not have said "Thank God it wasn't steroids".

Gladiators READY!

Everyone's favourite Hulkster is in the middle of filming the newly-resurrected American Gladiators, he's most probably in the studio filming at the very second I'm writing this.

However, it must be noted that The Orange One isn't actually teaching skinny guys without a tan a thing or two about the laws of physicality. He's actually just presenting the show.

Despite the disappointment of knowing that Hulk won't be battering people with his awesome leg drops in the middle of the Gladiators Arena, the promise of seeing Hulk presenting a TV Show will be full of so much win. Seeing a broken, old Terry Bollea hobbling around his home in Hogan Knows Best completely undermined the awesome power that THE HULKSTER harnessed back in the day.

Seeing The Osbournes was a similar experience. This was OZZY. He bit the head off a bat. He relieved himself on The Alamo. An absolute legend. But we get to see him struggling to string two words together as he attempts to give his teenage kids a telling off. But Ozzy is a drug-addled moron, surely we wouldn't see Old Man Bollea yelling at his kids and being subservient to a plastic wife, much like we'd seen Old Man Osbourne do the same thing. Unfortunately, we were wrong.

But Hulk speaking directly to cameras from a standing position will hopefully restore the respect that many will have lost for a man whose awesome exudes from every pore to such an extent that his skin is tainted orange by it.

Meanwhile, over here in the UK, the remake of Gladiators that Sky are insistent on seems to have missed the mark somewhat. While America gets a man who you respect and admire because you're slightly intimidated by him, we get Ian "Wright-Wright" Wright.

My problem with this is that Mr. "Wright-Wright" Wright is a man who no longer appears on Match of the Day because when TV cameras point at him, he appears to lose the ability to put his thoughts into coherent, linear sentences. Meanwhile, John Leslie is without work because he didn't rape anyone.

Speaking of John Leslie; Ulrika Jonsson has been replaced aswell. And by whom? None other than Kirsty "Generic-as-they-come" Gallacher. Ever since Kirsty's Home Videos turned out to be a hugely disappointingly mis-leading title, her career's absolutely sucked. Across the Atlantic, they have Muhammad Ali's daughter opposite Hulk Hogan. She no doubt has catchphrases such as "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee's daughter" and "I AM the greatest!...'s daughter!". Such charisma is sadly lacking in Kirsty's repertoire. The only thing she has going for her is the fact that she has the eyes of a camel. I fear that such a freakish trait would only keep viewers watching for a short period of time though.

What would keep people watching though would be replacing Ian Wright with Wolf from the original series. He could lay the smackdown on contestants much in the same way I would expect The Hulkster to do. Not only that, but he's revered in the UK much the same way that Hulk Hogan is in America. It would be the perfect equivalent.

What about Kirsty Camel eyes? Ahh who knows? Why not swap her with... ooh.. I don't know... take your pick... Jet?

The point is, the woman would be irrelevant as long as Wolf was on TV. We need Wolf on TV right now. In fact, click here to meet like-minded individuals.