Tuesday, 29 July 2008

This post contains the worst Mike Adamle joke of all time

Ow man how awesome was Raw?! What? What do you mean "No it wasn't. We've seen the worst possible angle of all time"?

The Adamle swerve is a stroke of creative genius. I genuinely mean that aswell. It seems that the IWC collectively thinks that it's stupid. But that's because they're being marks and not smarks.

WWE is trying to move its content to be more realistic, more UFC if you will. By doing it, move-calling by announcers is banned, and good old-fashioned X-Pac heat becomes plain, old heat. Mike Adamle is hated by fans for his poor calling, not knowing wrestlers' names (Jeff Harvey!) and for just being named 'Mike Adamle'. He sucks so much that it wouldn't be unknown for him to be called 'Mike BADamle' (I wrote this entire post on the premise of that awful, awful, diabolical pun. At least I didn't mislead you with the title). Dropping Adamle in as the GM of Raw makes him the biggest heel there! GENIUS!

I don't care what you say, you'll never change my opinion that putting Mike Adamle as the GM of Raw is genius.

I've been desperate for wrestling news all week since the Sandman's arrest and loads has come along today.

First of all, Stephanie McMahon gave birth to her and Triple H's second daughter yesterday/today. She weighs in at about 8 pounds - Snitsky would definitely have the weight advantage there.

Also worthy of note is that Freddie Prinze Jr. has joined WWE's creative team. There's a blog post there waiting to happen.

But the highlight of all wrestling "news" has to be the fact that somebody found my blog this week by searching on Google for "Orlando Jordan nude". The thing that makes this better is that they were directed to a post I made a while back about the Ultimate Warrior - check out the post's heading by clicking here.

Anyway, I'll leave you with an essay question:
Mike Adamle rules. Discuss.

Answers on a postcard.

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Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Sandman sends himself to sleep

On Sunday night, former ECW champion The Sandman was arrested in New York City for charges including "second degree assault".

Police were called to a restaurant in NYC when (presumably drunk guessing from that mughsot) Sandman started throwing glasses at staff. When the fuzz arrived, our ECW hardcore "hero" injured two officers when he turned his crosshair onto them.

Since his arrest, the Sandman's been ordered to undergo a psychiatric evaluation.

While UFC's own 'arrestee' Rampage Jackson (who funnily enough, went on a rampage. Seriously, check that link, it's incredible) apparently "hardly ever drinks" according to UFC boss Dana White, this is most certainly the absolute opposite.

Sandman is possibly in a worse state than Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been in recent years. At least (by most accounts) Jake kept his demons outside of the ring and was professional within it. That's certainly not the case with The Sandman. The video I'm about to post rivals the video of The Great Khali and Giant Silva that I posted almost a year ago in the abomination stakes.

I'm sorry if you sat through that. The greatest thing is the irony of The Sandman falling asleep during the match. He was also going to make the save on his former ECW roster-mate Spike Dudley. However, the save didn't happen for 6 minutes. What an absolute moron.

The video pretty much speaks for itself.

At one point, the person who edited the video asks how much Sandman is being paid. I can tell you for a fact that he asks for $1,450, with $200 of that up front (Source).

It's sad to watch that video. Not because a once great wrestler is appalling in the ring these days, because he's always been an absolutely appalling wrestler (Lord alone knows how he got over). It's not sad because that small indy fed has forked out 2 months' worth of door money to get him to piss all over their show. But it's sad because an individual (regardless of who they are) is selling themselves short and showing themselves up like that.

UPDATE: The whole thing has surfaced on video. You can see it here.

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Saturday, 19 July 2008

Kane and his sack

Contrary to this blog's title, the post won't be about Kane's mentally scarred scrotum. In fact, today I will be continuing from last week's post, and my thoughts on the current angle on Raw in which Kane's going psycho and, as of this week, carrying a burlap sack with him.

The idea of Paul Bearer making a return is, to be fair, weapons' grade balonium.

In fact, the most logical and sensible theory on the outcome of this angle, is one that I read on a wrestling forum. I was actually shocked that a member of the IWC was able to come up with such a plausible theory.

The theory is that Kane asking "Is he alive or is he dead?" is actually about his former self - the masked, long-haired mute that we all loved. Which may sound stupid, but with Glen Jacobs' past (Isaac Yankem DDS, Fake Diesel and my personal favourite, The Christmas Creature), this would be one of the least stupid angles the man's been involved with. Especially when you think that the Attitude-era's savage mute character was motivated by his lifelong rejection and hideous scarring, only that all turned out to be in his mind - his character being turned into an insecure retard overnight.

The sack that Kane's lugging about and keeping secret about, contains his mask.

An excellent idea. Not only an excellent idea, but one that's backed up by Lance Storm - the man who predicted Triple H's move to Smackdown.

In this month's Fighting Spirit Magazine, Lance wrote the following...
The one thing I would like to see with the return of Kane to Raw was the return of his old look. I'd love to see Kane return to the mask and long hair, and I thought a return to Raw would have been a great time to do it.

So it's official, the Oracle has spoken. An IWC smark comes up with a theory, and Lance Storm, a person who is as respected a pro wrestling writer as he was a pro wrestler, backs him up.

As I'm sure I said last week, this angle's doing it's job because it's got people talking, so the outcome needs to have an excellent payoff.

What are your thoughts on Kane returning to his masked look? Leave a comment and spark a debate you fools!

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Saturday, 12 July 2008

Paul Bearer making a comeback?

The internet's been rife with speculation this week that Paul Bearer a.k.a. Percy Pringle is making a return to WWE television.

It was all kicked off when Kane made his anticipated heel-turn on Raw on monday night by killing everybody at ringside and repeatedly asking "Is he alive or is he dead?". Everybody on the internet seemed to know immediately that he was obviously asking about his storyline father, Paul Bearer, who was last seen being covered with cement by The Undertaker at 2004's Great American Bash (Click here to watch him die).

But because of the complaints that people made about WWE effectively showing a murder without repurcussions (The Undertaker remained a babyface!), the storyline was changed somewhat and on the following week's Smackdown the announcers had a coverup...

Cole: "We'd like to update you on the condition of Paul Bearer at this time. The Undertaker's once friend and confidant suffered severe internal injuries he also suffered injuries to the lungs, severe injuries to the lungs, and also to the trachea."

Tazz: "It is extremely doubtful that we'll ever see Paul Bearer on Smackdown ever again, due to the horrifiying injuries the man sustained. It's horrible."

So according to every wrestling fan on the internet, the ambiguity of Bearer's status is reflected with Kane's question.

PercyPringle.com, homepage of Paul Bearer, has had a HUGE amount of traffic this week. According to Pringle himself, 80,000 visitors in the four days since Raw aired and a further 1,000 emails asking him if he was coming back. Pringle posted a short blog under the title "Kayfabe is alive... But is Paul Bearer?". The guy's loving the attention. The payoff to this angle needs to be as good as Paul Bearer returning or it wouldn't be worth watching.

The fact that Paul Bearer's real name is Percy Pringle is hilarious. He looks so much like the Pringle guy that you could edit Wikipedia to say that the Pringles guy was based on Bearer and it wouldn't be deleted immediately as vandalism, it would just stay there awaiting a citation. It's also ironic that a guy named after the planet's most consumed potato product got to be more than 500lbs (almost 40st in UK currency) in his time off the road between 2002 and 2004. In fact, his return in 2004 for the angle which led to him dying was actually due to a clause in his contract with WWE that said they'd assist him in getting gastric bypass surgery. Click here to read my source.

Surely, this is the most outrageous example of Vince McMahon's willingness to exploit people for profit - preying on a fat guy's health issues.

So Paul Bearer looks to be coming back. Even if he's not, the interest drummed up by this angle is far higher than WWE have managed recently and could mean that Kane isn't jobbing to anyone for a while.

Either way, this post is littered with keywords on a relevant topic and is bound to get about a million hits from Google. Just to be sure though, Brooke Hogan does not appear nude or indeed clothed in this blog.

Let me know what you think of this Paul Bearer speculation.

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Tuesday, 8 July 2008

Snitsky Got Served

Art imitated life on last night's RAW as CM Punk broke Snitsky's steroid-filled nose.

When CM Punk won the Heavyweight Title last week, ratings grew to be four times higher than they had been in recent months. Fast forward to last night where the Straight Edge Punk is facing baby killer and steroid eater Snitsky. In a pretty pedestrian match, Snitsky ended up sandbagging for Punk's finisher. Punk got on with it and nailed the GTS, however he broke Snitsky's nose in the process. The fact that Punk destroyed steroid-munchers in last week's ratings and to follow it up by actually destroying a steroid-muncher this week is beautiful.

I'm sure about a million people on forums have claimed that Punk did it on purpose as "revenge" for the sandbagging, but I think that it's more likely that shit happens.

If you're interested in seeing the match, then click here. For Snitsky's broken face, click here.

Speaking of people breaking things, Mickie Knuckles, known more recently as TNA's Moose, broke her leg on Sunday night in a break described as being worse than Sid's.

Check out the footage below and tell me what you think. Here's a warning, don't watch it if you're even a little bit squeamish.


EDIT: The videos of Mickie's injury have now been removed. So as compensation, here's Mickie Knuckles on Jerry Springer...

There are four parts to it. Enjoy!

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Sunday, 6 July 2008

Support your local fed!

Nothing too in-depth or clever about this week's post. I'm just telling you that you need to support your local wrestling company.

A while back, a colleague in work handed me a flier that he'd found in Chester for a wrestling school in the area. Having logged onto the company's website almost immediately, it turned out that this company's next show was only three days away. Better than that, their next show was literally only fifty yards away from my house - I've spat further distances.

Having failed to convince everyone I know to go to the show with me, it was only a small group of us who went. Myself, two friends and my wife (Yes, a wrestling fan with a wife. Unbelievable!).

When we arrived at the venue, it turned out that we were the only people there who weren't with the wrestling company. But rather than feel inhibited, which would only be natural, we were determined to have a good time. The best thing about watching your local grassroots fed is that because of the small numbers in the crowd, you have a direct influence on the show.

This couldn't have been more true than when apparently the company's biggest heel was cutting a promo telling us all how he was going to win a tournament that evening and how easy it was going to be.

"JUST LIKE YOUR MUM!" I interjected.

I believe I just scored a headshot.

Everybody in the building was laughing, including our villainous promo-cutter.

They were thinking of calling the night's show off when nobody turned up. But when we walked in, their boss decided to go through with the show. I can't be grateful enough for that decision. It was one of the best nights out I'd had in a while and it was because I'd near enough just had my own private wrestling show.

The good news for this fed is that, based on my friends' and my testimony, more people have pledged to go to the next show. So things will just grow and grow for this particular company in this venue. But for companies who have barely anybody show up, and those people are inhibited and don't cheer or boo the wrestlers, things can't continue for them and everybody involved loses out whether they be the wrestlers themselves, the wrestling company, the venue the show's at, or good old wrestling fans.

Support your local fed, even if it means forcing reluctant friends. I did it and now they're converted.

I apologise for the lack of frequent humour in this post. It must be because there's a delicate balance between righteousness and hilarity.

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