Thursday, 31 January 2008

The Comish

So TNA have another Pay-Per-View next month - Against All Odds. Their usual February PPV.

However this PPV is different from most because the match they're hyping as the big draw for it was recorded three weeks before the event.

Why? I'm guessing it has something to do with this poster:

It was released a while back to hype the PPV. Hype it as having a barbwire massacre match of some sort. Except TNA didn't ask its' parents if it could be a cheeky bugger and have such a potential bloodbath in the state of South Carolina. In fact, the State's Athletic Commission, in a heelish swerve, has told TNA that they can't hold their match in their State. Which is all well and good really. I mean you wouldn't want to cross the line at your own party which someone else had very kindly offered to host for you.

The solution? Record the match and play the tape during the PPV and try and pull it off as being live. Not cool. But the real issue is the reason that TNA has been put in such a ridiculous position.

According to the South Carolina Department of Labor, Licensing and Regulation, the Commission's role is as follows: "The Commission directs, manages and controls boxing, wrestling, sparring events, exhibitions, athletic contests and performances occurring in South Carolina. The Commission stresses protection of the participants of athletic events. It investigates complaints and provides disciplinary actions whenever necessary."

The phrase "athletic contests and performances" must have only added "and performances" since it became public knowledge that wrestling was fixed. Why? A power-hungry body didn't want to lose any of its' authority. The solution to this is to centralize all wrestling authority to a single body. That way, you have one rule for all and consistency throughout the business which would not only regulate shows, but would be responsible for keeping promoters in line (good for both fans and performers), and would do all drugs testing on its' members. It would, in effect, be a union of sorts for wrestling.

On the flip side to this, you have to ask who would get such a thing up and running. It would have to be the company with the highest public profile, most public credibility (despite how low that credibility may be at this time), and the company with the most money. But if they did set it up, WWE would most definitely feel that they had a majority interest in the venture and would essentially have a monopoly, or at the very least, huge influence over what happened.

The only thing stopping this from happening is the absolutely huge and wide array of people involved in wrestling - it would be almost impossible to reach a consensus. The other downside is getting people to run it. Every one of wrestling's big shots hate each other. Vince McMahon, Jim Cornette, Paul Heyman... name whoever you like, you won't get enough people who get along with enough authority to make this work. But having said that, you would certainly hope that these people would put personal differences aside to do what was best for business.

Thursday, 24 January 2008

Drinkin' and rasslin'

I've not written anything about wrestling in so long because let's face it, nothing's happened recently.

But then yesterday, shock of all shocks (and I genuinely mean that), Bobby Lashley leaves WWE and poops upon the booking of the Royal Rumble match from a great height. But I'm not going to write a blog on Bobby because he's so dull.

Instead, because wrestling has been so boring as of late, I've devised ways of enjoying wrestling regardless of the quality.

1. The Hulkamania drinking game
So, bruther, whenever it's that time of year when The Hulkster makes his annual-but-they-sell-it-like-it's-once-a-decade appearance in the WWE, he will undoubtedly cut a promo. All you have to do is drink a shot of your choice, everytime The Orange One says "Bruther", bruther. Then when he does his trademark poses, the last person to join in has to finish their drink. YES.

2. The Vintage WCW drinking game

Sometimes, because wrestling on TV is so poor, you might want to put some old VHS stuff that, at the time, you remember as being absolute quality - the best wrestling you've ever seen. So you put it on and watch some old WCW. In this game, you have to finish your drink every time a foreign wrestler gets buried.

3. The Steroids or Work-out Drinking game
You may have noticed a pattern being established by now that my method of enjoying the current state of wrestling includes alcohol and watching tapes of old matches. This game is fun because you get to chant things as a group.

"Roids or work out! Roids or work out! [Enter wrestler's name] YOU decide"

At which point, a pre-designated person decides if someone's on steroids or not. You go around everyone one at a time as the guesser. If they say what the general consensus of the rest of the group is, then everyone has a shot. If they disagree with the general consensus of the rest of the group, then they alone must finish their drink.

The consensus of the group need not be sensible. If the group declares that CM Punk is a Juicefreak after the guesser says he's not, then the guesser must drink up.

4. The Royal Rumble Second Guess Game

Because it's seasonal, I thought I'd throw in a Rumble game for you all for next sunday. At the 10 second countdown, everyone guesses who's about to enter. If you get it wrong, then guess what? Yup, you get to stop being thirsty.

Alternatively, you can do the same with an old Rumble. If you guess a wrestler who's now dead and get it wrong, you finish your drink. If you guess a wrestler who's dead and get it right, then you take a shot.

By now, you should be stupidly drunk. I mean REALLY drunk. So what better way to finish off a night of watching wrestling than with my favourite wrestling drinking game...

5. The "Please stop! Oh the humanity" drinking game

For this game, you will need a DVD or VHS that includes at least one Chris Benoit match. Whenever Benoit puts his opponent in any kind of hold (be it Crippler Crossface or hammerlock), then you have to scream and wail and beg for him to stop. My personal recommendation for this game is Chris Benoit v. Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania X-Seven just for the sheer amount of shoot-style holds employed. Really beg for him to stop it, lest Angle end up like Nancy and Daniel (Rumour has it that Nancy was killed by a mere side headlock).

So there you go, my recommendations on enjoying wrestling again. If you play any of these games, please take pictures of the aftermath.

Thursday, 10 January 2008

Wrestling's Latest Scandal

I'm currently in shock from seeing the evidence of the latest wrestling scandal.

I can't actually bring myself to face facts. The evidence I've seen so far is possibly of the most bizarre thing to have ever happened in wrestling history. Even more bizarre than Robocop saving Sting's life.

Candice Michelle used to be a foot fetish model named Mackenzie Montgomery.

Look, here she is showing us how disgusting and salty her feet are...

But it gets further and FAR creepier than that...

See what I mean?

It's the creepiest video I've ever seen. It's made even better by the fact that a WWE Diva is the main event. It's so bizarre. Her "husband" asks her how work was and she replies by saying "It was so tough at the club today". Dressed as she is. She's a stripper. I'm not going to write a blog about poor dialogue or characterisation though because that video has far more gold in it.

"You have remarkable-looking feet" chirps the bloke. As if they've just met. Before continuing by sounding like a teenage girl: "Your feet are just sooooooo pretty".

My face is glued to my monitor.

"Your feet look so... they really turn me o... Do you mind if I suck on your toes a little bit? It's been such a long time"

I'm sure every stripper who's ever watched this video has thought "Yeah. That's what I need to make my feet better after a hard night's dancing - some guy who looks like he could be my brother making my feet wet".

"Mmm..." He licks his lips. "Hmmm..." he does it again. Still in cheerleader mode: "Mmm... your soles taste good!". I'll give him credit for being better at acting than her.

Of all the perversions though, this one baffles me. I have no idea why you'd be into it. Though by the end of the video, the pieces fall into place. White socks, black shoes? BINGO.

This news has come to life because The Wrestling News Desk has posted pictures which are a little bit more graphic than that. And according to reports, even more graphic than her Playboy shots. But at the time I'm posting this blog, the site's down. Presumably because of high traffic thanks to this story.

You mean to say that a WWE Diva is a slut? Well shucks. I could never tell from the way they all look!

I then found another video on YouTube.

Click here to see it because the person who uploaded it has blocked it from being embedded.

It features Candice and another ho talking about their feet to a creepy QVC soundtrack. That's all they do is talk. With the camera zooming in and out on their feet while the most terrible, generic (and most probably copyright-free), music plays in the background.

"I have size 10 feet"

JEEZUM CROW. Talk about Attack of the 50ft Woman!

"And you know what they say about people with big feet..."

They have really slack vaginas?

"They wear really big shoes"

On the day that this passes as entertainment, Ronnie Barker is glad he's dead.

Sunday, 6 January 2008

So why wrestling?

Whenever I'm asked why I like professional wrestling, I always find that I'm slightly stumped to find an answer.

There's a stigma attached to wrestling that's as hard to explain as why I like it. I was in the States this summer on a roadtrip with my good friend Chris when our new friend from Buffalo, Joe, was describing the American equivalent of chavs by saying "You know, they like NASCAR and professional wrestling". Chris, who was driving at the time, looked at Joe as if he was going to kick him out and make him walk the other 600 miles to our destination. "What? Don't tell me you guys LIKE wrestling?!" was Joe's flabbergasted response. He couldn't believe that two, seemingly normal, British people actually liked wrestling.

But as a wrestling fan, when someone can't quite believe you like it, you feel threatened, and as if you have to justify your strange passion. I imagine it's harder to justify being a wrestling fan than it is to justify being a paedophile. At least paedos can say "There's something wrong with me noggin guvner". What can a wrestling fan say? "It's just that I like seeing two oiled up men writhing around in front of thousands of people..."

It's the stupidity of wrestling that really endears me to it though. TNA had a script for some upcoming shows leaked recently. In it, the phrase "Cue Pyro and Ballyhoo" was used. BALLYHOO. It was as if the script was written by Charles Dickens himself. It's the Ballyhoo (regardless of what that actually means) that makes wrestling. It's the je ne sais qua of it as a spectacle that truly makes it interesting. It's impossible to pick one single aspect as being the reason to watch it, just as it is (to a wrestling fan anyway), impossible to dislike it for one thing. All parts of it as a concept seem to fall together to make it what it is and make it so special.

This is the exact same reason that wrestling fans don't turn off wrestling in general when standards are crap all round (see this video). We endure the crap because we expect things to get better.

Incidentally, that giant turkey was Eddie Guerrero's big brother Hector Guerrero.

So why wrestling? Probably the same reason people rubberneck at crash sites - you don't know if you're going to like what you see (though at this moment in time, it's quite likely you won't), but what you do know is that you'll remember it.