Saturday, 14 March 2009

Andrew "Test" Martin Dies

Andrew Martin, better known to wrestling fans as "Test" during his time in WWE has been found dead at the age of 33.

After a chance meeting with Bret Hart at a restaurant in the late 90s, Martin began his in-ring training.

He made his WWE debut in late 1998 after a brief period on the Canadian indy circuit. Introduced initially as the badass bodyguard of Earth's gayest rock band, Mötley Crüe, Test soon aligned himself with Mr. McMahon's evil Corporation.

Having been kicked out of the Corporation for being too cool (he did after all know Mötley Crüe), he played his part in one or two storylines that were quite major at the time but of no real worthiness to look back on in depth right now.

The next peak for the lover of leather pants was when he was repackaged with a new tag team partner - the wrestler formerly known as Prince Albert. They were managed by the incomparable Trish Stratus. Someone who, despite her relative inexperience in the wrestling business compared to them, was easily better than her two wrestlemonkeys.

Test was eventually released by WWE in 2004 after he was injured and allegedly undergoing spinal fusion surgery.

What actually happened on that operating table remains a mystery (In fact, I'm sure we might not ever find out the truth). But when Test made his return to TV on WWE in 2006, it only seemed to confirm the rumours that he had been transformed on the operating table into a Centaur...

Unfortunately for Martin, part of the rehabilitation process for becoming a mythical Greek beast, alongside eating ketamine like it was chocolate frosting to help him sleep, was to take massive amounts of human testosterone. This was to stop him from tipping over the edge (many before him had forgotten to take their supplements and ended up eating straw in fields, alienated from human society). His employers didn't take kindly to this and suspended him for violating their Wellness Policy. He was released from his WWE contract several days later.

As a recently released WWE wrestler, he inevitably ended up on TNA. Despite knowing that he was taking steroids, TNA still employed him. Job security seemed to be on the cards for Martin. That was until the day he was found with a feedbag strapped to his face, stood next to an empty table where Jeff Jarrett's rider once stood. So long Centaur.

In December 2007, after floundering on the independent circuit for a while, Martin announced that he would retire from wrestling after an upcoming tour of Ireland.

I'm happy to reveal the following news. This is a Chewin' The Mat exclusive. On his final tour as a wrestler in Ireland, Andrew "Test" Martin met champion jockey Ruby Walsh. This chance meeting led to Martin training to become a racehorse. In fact, he was due to be the first Centaur to race at the Cheltenham festival in 2009. This caused much controversy, with the Racing Post famously declaring it "a fucking disgrace". Martin argued that his previous attachment to sports with pre-arranged results was enough to get by in British horse racing.

Only Martin's controversial appearance wasn't to be. He withdrew from the event with only days to spare, citing "personal reasons". During this time, his Wikipedia article was altered saying that he'd killed his girlfriend, Kelly Kelly, after going into a rage on a sugarlump-induced high. This later turned out to be false, though Martin was found dead two days later in his Tampa apartment by a local Vet.

A postmortem is due to be carried out.

Andrew "Test" Martin 1975 - 2009

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