Thursday, 28 February 2008

Don't tell anyone Brutha!

So America's biggest rumour mill with credibility (somehow), The National Enquirer, has come out with the news that the Hulkster laid a (middle) leg drop on a woman who wasn't Linda.

Christiane Plant, a 33 year old who worked with Brooke on her music career was the lucky lady to find out what it feels like to have a 250 pound (though he was actually more like 800 pounds) orange bloke dropped on you from a height of six inches.

Apparently their affair took place last year at a time when Linda and Hulk knew their marriage was a sham being upheld for the sake of the longevity of their TV show. Who knew that The Orange One had a third "twenty four inch python" kept in his pants?

So when the guilt of going behind everyone's backs got too much for Christiane, what did she do? Write a letter to the person she had an affair with's daughter.


Of all the things to do when you have an affair with someone, top of the list is most definitely "notify next of kin". What? How bloody stupid must you be to do that? Really. Higher on the list of things to do when you have an affair with someone and start feeling guilt is to place your genitals into a raging chemical fire. I'm sure she's got a great way to justify her blatant stupidity though:

"Oh I'm sorry, I always mistake riding The Hulkster with finding a dead body"

Fair enough. I imagine that all those "vitamins and prayers" that Hulk got called in to testify against Vince for in the early 90s make every single one of The Orange One's muscles feel relaxed these days. Unlike Jerry Lawler whose own, chemical brand of "vitamins and prayers" keep him going like a terrier five times a night. That is until you leave him after he's quit his job for you and then demand half of his money. In which case, him going limp is justified.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, this unknown woman told Brooke Hogan that she had an affair with her dad. I suppose that that kind of daft action isn't that surprising seeing as it came from someone who actually somehow managed to make love to a leather couch.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Before works, there were shoots

I can't believe it. I was watching my television with my mouth agog. Astonished at what I'd just witnessed. The beginnings of a feud that I actually wanted to watch.

If you'd seen No Way Out, you'd know that I was talking about The Big Show getting served a great big slice of broken-nose pie.

The speed with which Mayweather and his posse left the arena, the fact that him and his fifty-strong posse were wearing identical clothes, and the way that Shane appeared as if from nowhere to cut off The Big Show left me thinking that the way things panned out was according to the script. Except our 7-foot friend wasn't given the same script.

I think it all went according to plan (for The Big Show anyway) up until he kneeled down. Maybe a bitchslap was what he was expecting. But Mayweather would obviously not want to go along with that so as to maintain his reputation. Hence a secret compromise with the writers. The sharp exit with about a hundred Mayweather lookalikes leaves a chase from Show a losing battle for the big guy.

Shane appearing to cut him off at the pass adds to my suspicion that this was a shoot. Shane and Show have worked approximately five thousand angles throughout their careers and have become good friends. If anyone could talk him out of chasing someone to pummel them to death, it would be one of his best friends (Who happens to also be his boss).

I only have one reason to think that this wasn't actually a shoot. Despite that, it's a biggie and definitely out-weighs the factors in favour of the whole event being a shoot. The Big Show chased Mayweather. Where, outside of Loony Toons and professional wrestling, does someone who's just been attacked start a chase?

But my disbelief had been suspended for long enough for me to want to watch. Something that's not happened since I was about 12 years old. And yesterday's Raw was a treat too as they seem to be getting their money's worth from Mayweather by replaying Show's nose getting smashed about five hundred times in the two hour broadcast. Huge hype for this storyline. I'm genuinely excited by it.

I'd be even more excited to keep watching this story unfold if Mayweather's allowed on the microphone more often. I had no idea before watching this week's Raw that he loves "Plublicity". Beautiful. In the run up to "Wrestlemlania", I hope that Floyd (real name 'Foyd') gets a chance to lay the smlackdown on The Big Show in such a way that their big match at "The Grand-dladdy of them all" brings in more "Play-per-View" buys than Maria's tlits ever could.

Sunday, 17 February 2008


So whilst checking the usual rumour sites today, a rather striking link was screaming "THIS IS SO WRONG!" at me.
"Another Diva pregnant, WWE-Incest update"

Interested, I obviously click in a frenzy. Unable to learn quick enough whatever this could be about. The story opens by saying how Stacey Colon, daughter of Puerto Rico's equivalent of Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon rolled into one; Carlos Colon, and sister of WWE superstar Carlito. I'm not sure if you're aware of Caribbean stereotypes, but if you were, you'd probably think that this kind of thing is more suited to Haitians.

This was easily the most morally-void stories in wrestling since Chris Benoit started playing Doom in real-life and got an invulnerability power up (They never did feel temporary at their height). The jokes would be endless:

Doctor: Congratulations, it's a two-headed freak with severe learning disabilities.
Carlito: That's not cool.

But it would be cool. It would be about a hundred times better than him chasing a leprechaun into a wall. Actually, forget it being a hundred times better. Multiply that hundred by an inconceivably high number, then you'd be getting close to how much cooler it would be than having one of the most talented guys on the roster jobbing to a midget. If they went through with that birth angle, they could even re-use the hand that Mae Young gave birth to. Recycled props FTW! There'd be a moral tale there too. Kids worldwide would learn that when brothers and sisters get jiggy, the only result is never a fully-functioning baby. Ultimately, you will be disappointed. So if you do manage to get your sister pregnant, you'd better talk her into getting that thing that rhymes with 'schmaschmortion'.

Though imagine my disappointment when I learned that the 'incest' thing was in reference to a completely different story. The comma was a dead give away. I should've known better.

The incest thing is actually about Paul Burchill's return from OVW with his kayfabe sister in tow as his lover. Apparently Burchill came up with the idea himself. Having seen her, he's not done too bad with the on-screen lover thing. Imagine how jealous Edge would be of Burchill. As disgusting as this angle might be, it's probably going to turn out great. Hopefully the bit of edginess that's been missing since the Attitude days ended. And by 'edginess' I mean 'car-crash TV'.

Watching this storyline unfold will definitely be the wrestling equivalent of rubber-necking at the scene of a fatal car crash. Though I imagine, and definitely hope, that this angle will have fewer real-life fatalities than a car wreck.