Sunday, 16 March 2008

Gladiators READY!

Everyone's favourite Hulkster is in the middle of filming the newly-resurrected American Gladiators, he's most probably in the studio filming at the very second I'm writing this.

However, it must be noted that The Orange One isn't actually teaching skinny guys without a tan a thing or two about the laws of physicality. He's actually just presenting the show.

Despite the disappointment of knowing that Hulk won't be battering people with his awesome leg drops in the middle of the Gladiators Arena, the promise of seeing Hulk presenting a TV Show will be full of so much win. Seeing a broken, old Terry Bollea hobbling around his home in Hogan Knows Best completely undermined the awesome power that THE HULKSTER harnessed back in the day.

Seeing The Osbournes was a similar experience. This was OZZY. He bit the head off a bat. He relieved himself on The Alamo. An absolute legend. But we get to see him struggling to string two words together as he attempts to give his teenage kids a telling off. But Ozzy is a drug-addled moron, surely we wouldn't see Old Man Bollea yelling at his kids and being subservient to a plastic wife, much like we'd seen Old Man Osbourne do the same thing. Unfortunately, we were wrong.

But Hulk speaking directly to cameras from a standing position will hopefully restore the respect that many will have lost for a man whose awesome exudes from every pore to such an extent that his skin is tainted orange by it.

Meanwhile, over here in the UK, the remake of Gladiators that Sky are insistent on seems to have missed the mark somewhat. While America gets a man who you respect and admire because you're slightly intimidated by him, we get Ian "Wright-Wright" Wright.

My problem with this is that Mr. "Wright-Wright" Wright is a man who no longer appears on Match of the Day because when TV cameras point at him, he appears to lose the ability to put his thoughts into coherent, linear sentences. Meanwhile, John Leslie is without work because he didn't rape anyone.

Speaking of John Leslie; Ulrika Jonsson has been replaced aswell. And by whom? None other than Kirsty "Generic-as-they-come" Gallacher. Ever since Kirsty's Home Videos turned out to be a hugely disappointingly mis-leading title, her career's absolutely sucked. Across the Atlantic, they have Muhammad Ali's daughter opposite Hulk Hogan. She no doubt has catchphrases such as "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee's daughter" and "I AM the greatest!...'s daughter!". Such charisma is sadly lacking in Kirsty's repertoire. The only thing she has going for her is the fact that she has the eyes of a camel. I fear that such a freakish trait would only keep viewers watching for a short period of time though.

What would keep people watching though would be replacing Ian Wright with Wolf from the original series. He could lay the smackdown on contestants much in the same way I would expect The Hulkster to do. Not only that, but he's revered in the UK much the same way that Hulk Hogan is in America. It would be the perfect equivalent.

What about Kirsty Camel eyes? Ahh who knows? Why not swap her with... ooh.. I don't know... take your pick... Jet?

The point is, the woman would be irrelevant as long as Wolf was on TV. We need Wolf on TV right now. In fact, click here to meet like-minded individuals.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Silly Sausage

Most of the time, whenever you shout "YOU BLOODY IDIOT!" at wrestling on TV, it'll probably be because you're watching TNA.

But today, as I watched last night's Raw, I was shouting it at Jeff Hardy. Who has spat in the face of a great push in such a fashion that it can be described as "RVD-esque". Van Dam, you will remember, was suspended in 2006 when he was WWE Champ after being arrested with Sabu for cannabis possession.

Hardy - knocking on the main event's door for months now - was almost a shoo-in to claim the briefcase in the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania at the end of the month. However Hardy's own stupidity is a real pain to fans because he is easily one of the most over wrestlers in the world right now.

The issue with drugs in wrestling since the whole Benoit thing has been how detrimental drugs are to performers' health. The issue I have with Hardy failing this Wellness test is more to do with a responsibility he has with the fans. He's had a great push over the last few months because the fans have cheered for him and responded enthusiastically to anything and everything that he does. He owes this push, to an extent, to the fans who've cheered him on. If it wasn't for them, he wouldn't be making more money now than he ever has in his career. I say that as if he'll be getting paid over the next 60 days.

Then just as the fans are achingly close to the pay-off they deserve (Money in the Bank leading to a title reign), he goes and blows it.

The only benefit of this of course is the fact that the Money in the Bank match is now wide open.

Downsides obviously include the continued demonisation of the wrestling industry thanks to one person's stupidity.

On a side note (and the only funny thing on this blog entry. Sorry), on Raw last night, Ric Flair actually said that when he started in the business, there was no such word as "sympathy". This statement truly is testament to the fact that his career has spanned centuries. When he started, there was no concept of happiness either. And this here internet was all fields.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008


Today I got my hair cut for the first time in a while. When telling my work-mates that I was going to get a mullet, their laughs were far less supportive than I was expecting. When as one they exclaimed "WHY?!", I found it hard to actually justify.

I couldn't answer them. Here I was, consciously making a decision to look foolish, but I couldn't actually comprehend any kind of logic in order to justify it. All I could say was "I reckon I could pull it off". Because everyone throughout all of history who's ever had a mullet looks ridiculous, not because of the stupidity of the haircut itself, but because they're not me. A bold presumption indeed. But a correct one.

My new hair is badass.

But this evening, whilst appreciating the glory of my new barnet, the real reason I've gone for a mullet dawned on me. It's because of the prominence of mullets in Pro Wrestling. I cried a tear of shame when I realised how obsessed I am.

The first one that came to mind was Eddie Guerrero.

He is synonymous with the mullet. In a 2000 cartoon featured in WWF Magazine, a barber shop had a picture on the wall of a mulleted-bloke. The caption on the photo said "The Mullet a.k.a. The Eddie". Such was Eddie's infamy as a mullet-wearer, that he was arrested for having such out of control hair. Here's my evidence...

But where mullets and wrestling are concerned, there is only one king.


The magnitude of Mike Awesome's mullet made him the most feared wrestler of all time in Japan. There are accounts of fans at shows featuring The Awesome One packing nunchucks down their pants just in case the big guy got too close to them. The tradition caught on in North America in promotions such as ECW, though as Ninjas only live in Japan, these fat, white nerds had to settle for toilet seats and frying pans.

People will surely try and tell me to get rid of my mullet for the sake of style. But now that I've trodden-water in The Great Mullet Lagoon, I cannot go to the shores to dry off. For why? It's simple. Getting rid of mullets kills you. It's scientifically proven.

Eddie got rid of his, Mike got rid of his. Hell, Chris Benoit even had a mullet during the Invasion storyline. Jake Roberts has sported the business-front-party-behind-do for aeons, and despite all scientific and biological probability, he's actually defied the odds and not died. I'm convinced that after the world is wiped out by nuclear warfare, all that will be left is cochroaches, Keith Richards, Mae Young and Jake the Snake.

There is absolutely no way I'm getting rid of this now. For my own safety. Though, having considered eternity with Mae Young and Jake the Snake for company, I might have to think again.