Whatcha gunna do when the legislative branch runs wild on you?

The Hulkster's son, Nick "Too young to be a Backstreet Boy" Bollea will make a special appearance tomorrow to a crowd of whatever the capacity of Pinellas County Court is.

Nick faces a maximum sentence of 5 years in prison because he's apparently been charged with 'Felony reckless driving involving serious bodily injury'. Bollea won't dispute the charge. Either that means his lawyer's got something sneaky up his sleeve or Hulk's budget for lawyers is already being used up on his own ongoing divorce case.

With Wesley Snipes having recently gone down big time for tax avoision, celebrity immunity from the klink is less believable.

The thought of Nick going to prison is crazy. What the inmates would do with someone so young and pretty doesn't bare thinking about. The fact that he's under 18 matters not one jot as the boy's being charged as an adult.

However, what of The Orange One's involvement? He was seen racing with Nick and buying beers on the day of the crash. In fact, one of the charges against Nick is that he was 'a person under the age of 21 operating a vehicle with a blood alcohol level of .02 or higher'. A law which is both specific and vague at the same time.

The fact that Hulk's not been implicated in this whole thing yet is crazy. It's not as if he will have had an alibi provided by his wife (or for that matter his daughter, who was the first to be told of The Hulkster's affair).

In news more related to wrestling, Bobby Lashley's no-compete clause has expired. As such, he's being advertised to appear in Booker T's PWA promotion later this month. Funnily enough, they advertise it on the site (www.bookertpwa.com) with the words "Our mystery guest is former world champion Bobby Lashley!". That's almost as subtle as The Shockmaster's debut. With PWA becoming more and more like TNA's version of FCW, the next logical conclusion would be Lashley beating the entire TNA roster in a single match. TNA don't need former WWE guys to raise their profile and their game. If they do bring in every released WWE wrestler, the best thing they can do is job them out to put their own guys over. Otherwise, they look desperate and as if they're second best.

Oh sorry, did somebody say "Reverse-over-the-top-rope-ladder-match-inside-a-cage-but-oh-no-that's-no-ordinary-cage-it-has-two-more-sides-than-normal match"? Looks like I spoke too soon.

Giant wrestler finds fame in India

Whilst browsing BBC's news website as I do every day, I stumbled across a story that was one of the most emailed of the day.

You can read it here.

I was flabbergasted to find that the BBC had posted such an article on its' website. More shocking perhaps was the fact that this public service organisation had actually published an article which was incredibly lazily written and seemingly a regurgitation of a press release.

Khali is referred to as a "Former labourer". Which is about as true and vague as saying that I'm a "former child". What it fails to mention is the fact that Khali is also a former police officer. One who is actually AWOL from his post. One who's still been getting paid his basic police officer salary while he's been earning six figure sums in the US as a wrestler.

The entire article stinks of Khali's publicist being the author. Scraping the barrel of association by claiming he enjoys top-billing along with Hulk Hogan (click here to see the only time they met) and The Rock. Funnily enough, I can't find a video of him and The Rock together because it's never happened.

Having spent a year in Japan, the article claims, Khali had been duped by his agents. I would be inclined to agree. Having watched this match, I think Khali was duped into believing he could wrestle. I've deconstructed this match in an earlier post, so no new jokes there. It is such an awful match that you really need to see it to believe it.

The article says that Khali went to the US from Japan where he was snapped up by WWE soon after. What isn't pointed out is the fact that Khali botched a basic move on a wrestler who then died. The Great Khali killed somebody because of his own in-ring incompetence. He wasn't even that green, having wrestled near-Main Event matches in Japan (though he hides his experience very well in his Japanese matches).

The article posted on the BBC's site angers me. It genuinely does. Not because of the massively kayfabe and story-line-sticking journalism, but because it's as though Khali's agent has actually hacked into the BBC's site and posted a press release there screaming to people that he's looking for acting work. There is absolutely no merit in that journalism whatsoever. In fact, I'd be willing to to say, based on that article, that this blog has more journalistic merit than the BBC.

The long and short of it is that I watch pirated DVDs of Pay-per-Views and spend all day reading rumour sites to get that kind of opinionated fiction, I don't want my licence fee contributing to that kind of self-promotion at all.

They used to be called 'valets'

There was a time when the most you'd see of a woman in professional wrestling was as the girlfriend or manager of a wrestler. A 'valet' if you will.

It should come as no great surprise, or indeed leap of logic, to find out that WWE's own Ashley Massaro is implicated in a recent bust of a high profile escort agency by the FBI. For the real smarks I'd put a joke here about Little Guido and co.

Rolling Stone magazine were responsible for making sure that discretion was actually not assured with this escort agency.

Usually the escorts are victims of ruthless pimps. So at the risk of making this blog look like a rip off of "The Smoking Gun", let's look at the pimp.



Her name is Michelle Braun, and to be a client of her agency, you need to pay a $5,000 deposit. $2,500 of that is paid when you apply for membership. That's before you even get to meet a pornstar/Playboy model/person-who-thinks-they-can-wrestle-but-are-better-off-losing-on-reality-shows.

I'd feel severely ripped off paying that kind of extortionate money for a woman and Ashley showed up at my hotel room. It's the equivalent of buying a pack of crisps, only to realise as soon as you open it that there are only four crisps in it.

Every time I see Ashley on my TV I throw whatever food I have within reach at the screen in the vain hope that it would somehow break through the glass, travel through space and time and transcend time zones and time delays and just land in her mouth so that she'd eat something. ANYTHING. The last time I saw bones as obvious as hers was while looking at pictures of compound fractures.

It's shocking that someone as hideous and bony as her is pushed as being the fittest thing since forever while the natural, ample curves of Beth Phoenix are portrayed as being those of a massive, powerful beastcow.

Ashley was quick to defend herself on her own blog.

Just got buzzed on some BS that is going around. Dont believe it for a second.
Getting in touch with my lawyer as we speak.

Bless. I don't know what she thinks she's going to sue for. I don't think it counts as libel or defamation if it's merely stating fact. She seems quite embarrassed by the whole thing. Which is odd. Because it means she's essentially saying "I take my clothes off for cash" but draws the line at sleeping with people for cash. But that's where she misunderstands the loophole. She must be an awful escort. Imagine if the cops busted her while she was "on the job". What's she going to do, fess up or use the age-old loophole of saying that the bloke she's with is paying for her time and not her sex? Judging from her reaction to being named by Rolling Stone, she'll probably do the former.

In the end it all boils down to the phrase that everybody should live their lives by: Don't do anything you wouldn't want your mother finding out about.

Two Months?!

Yes. It's almost been two months since I last posted anything. The reason for this has been that I've moved house and it's taken this long to get the internet connection up and running. Though to be honest, I'm glad it's up. Last year I had to go without the internet for my entire 6 month tenancy of a house when I decided to go with TalkTalk. SIX MONTHS. Can you believe it? I'd managed to develop social skills and everything within that time because of my sheer misfortune.

Anyway, a lot has happened in the world of wrestling since I last wrote. Well, I say a lot. A lot of comedy GOLD and one Wrestlemania.

So let's start with the big one. Wrestlemania. My goodness what immensity. From start to finish I loved it. I feel guilty that I didn't pay for it because it was so good. Money in the Bank was truly awesome. The spots were inspirational. Not that they made me want to go down B&Q and come back with a car full of ladders to play around with in the back garden though. The fact that everyone was on top of their games so much that the match we saw even happened was crazy. If everybody working in the World banks was at that point in their careers, we'd all be a bit better off. The spots were all insane but full of logic too. Things like Johnny Nitro (They're called 'Opal Fruits' too you know) stepping onto the ladder leaning onto the turnbuckle and just riding it to another ladder. Incredible but making sense too.

The fact that CM Punk won was the culmination of scores of mark-out moments for me throughout the entire match. An incredible match that made me forget about the reality of wrestling so many times. I loved it because it took me back to how I felt watching wrestling when I was 9 or 10.

The rest of the PPV was great aswell, but to be honest, I'd rather use the rest of this blog to talk about Michael Hayes and Santino Marella.

When the story that Michael Hayes had been suspended for 60 days after Wrestlemania broke, I was shocked. But not because of what you might think. When I first read about it, I read the following:

It has been confirmed that head SmackDown writer Michael Hayes has been suspended for 60 days.

Michael Hayes has been absent since Wrestlemania, from backstage WWE. Hayes is the head writer for Smackdown. Wrestlers say Hayes is serving a 60-day suspension concerning his behavior towards a wrestler during Wrestlemania weekend. However, WWE is calling it a "vacation".

The belief backstage is that Michael Hayes got sent home for supposedly choking Carlito with wrist tape. It was meant to be a rib on Carlito, but Carlito took it as a threat to his Wrestlemania spot and threatened to show up on TNA Impact! No one knows for sure who put Hayes up to it, but the wrist tape looked like it had part of an "X" in black marker on it.

Honestly. I don't know what purpose someone would have to make that kind of thing up. The only true thing about that story is that Michael Hayes got suspended. My guess is that Damien Demento wrote it and somebody believed him. Which is the equivalent of agreeing with your town's mentalist when he tells you the leprechauns are floating off to the sky and that they're taking your corn flakes with them. ABSOLUTELY STUPID IS WHAT THAT IS MATE.

But it transpires that a good ol' boy from Georgia was a bit of a racist. On tonight's news, you'll see how the sky is blue. Apparently Dok Hendricks uses racist language all the time and that it's something you get used to when you're with him. If this is true, then it's abhorrent. Truly sickening, not that that kind of attitude exists (because let's face it, we'll never be rid of these idiots), but that that kind of attitude exists openly within a public company.

Funnily enough, since Hayes' temporary departure, things have gotten incredible on WWE TV. Firstly this week, we saw William Regal exercising what I'd like to call his HITLER CLAW. He was an absolute facist and pulled the main event. What a legend. I love him for it.

That was followed on Tuesday night by Mike Adamle pissing off. HOORAY.

And then on Friday Mick Foley made his debut on Smackdown as a commentator. That's three different shows with three reasons to not miss them. It also means that I now have three different reasons to get Sky. Which sucks. What am I? Made of money?

This week's "and finally" story is about Santino Marella getting arrested for drunk driving.



One too many Peronis saw Santino fail TWO different field sobriety tests before being taken into a cell for the night. He was released on a $500 bail while elsewhere a sigh of relief was heard from Vince McMahon who may or may not have said "Thank God it wasn't steroids".

Gladiators READY!

Everyone's favourite Hulkster is in the middle of filming the newly-resurrected American Gladiators, he's most probably in the studio filming at the very second I'm writing this.

However, it must be noted that The Orange One isn't actually teaching skinny guys without a tan a thing or two about the laws of physicality. He's actually just presenting the show.

Despite the disappointment of knowing that Hulk won't be battering people with his awesome leg drops in the middle of the Gladiators Arena, the promise of seeing Hulk presenting a TV Show will be full of so much win. Seeing a broken, old Terry Bollea hobbling around his home in Hogan Knows Best completely undermined the awesome power that THE HULKSTER harnessed back in the day.

Seeing The Osbournes was a similar experience. This was OZZY. He bit the head off a bat. He relieved himself on The Alamo. An absolute legend. But we get to see him struggling to string two words together as he attempts to give his teenage kids a telling off. But Ozzy is a drug-addled moron, surely we wouldn't see Old Man Bollea yelling at his kids and being subservient to a plastic wife, much like we'd seen Old Man Osbourne do the same thing. Unfortunately, we were wrong.

But Hulk speaking directly to cameras from a standing position will hopefully restore the respect that many will have lost for a man whose awesome exudes from every pore to such an extent that his skin is tainted orange by it.

Meanwhile, over here in the UK, the remake of Gladiators that Sky are insistent on seems to have missed the mark somewhat. While America gets a man who you respect and admire because you're slightly intimidated by him, we get Ian "Wright-Wright" Wright.

My problem with this is that Mr. "Wright-Wright" Wright is a man who no longer appears on Match of the Day because when TV cameras point at him, he appears to lose the ability to put his thoughts into coherent, linear sentences. Meanwhile, John Leslie is without work because he didn't rape anyone.

Speaking of John Leslie; Ulrika Jonsson has been replaced aswell. And by whom? None other than Kirsty "Generic-as-they-come" Gallacher. Ever since Kirsty's Home Videos turned out to be a hugely disappointingly mis-leading title, her career's absolutely sucked. Across the Atlantic, they have Muhammad Ali's daughter opposite Hulk Hogan. She no doubt has catchphrases such as "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee's daughter" and "I AM the greatest!...'s daughter!". Such charisma is sadly lacking in Kirsty's repertoire. The only thing she has going for her is the fact that she has the eyes of a camel. I fear that such a freakish trait would only keep viewers watching for a short period of time though.

What would keep people watching though would be replacing Ian Wright with Wolf from the original series. He could lay the smackdown on contestants much in the same way I would expect The Hulkster to do. Not only that, but he's revered in the UK much the same way that Hulk Hogan is in America. It would be the perfect equivalent.

What about Kirsty Camel eyes? Ahh who knows? Why not swap her with... ooh.. I don't know... take your pick... Jet?

The point is, the woman would be irrelevant as long as Wolf was on TV. We need Wolf on TV right now. In fact, click here to meet like-minded individuals.

Silly Sausage

Most of the time, whenever you shout "YOU BLOODY IDIOT!" at wrestling on TV, it'll probably be because you're watching TNA.

But today, as I watched last night's Raw, I was shouting it at Jeff Hardy. Who has spat in the face of a great push in such a fashion that it can be described as "RVD-esque". Van Dam, you will remember, was suspended in 2006 when he was WWE Champ after being arrested with Sabu for cannabis possession.

Hardy - knocking on the main event's door for months now - was almost a shoo-in to claim the briefcase in the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania at the end of the month. However Hardy's own stupidity is a real pain to fans because he is easily one of the most over wrestlers in the world right now.

The issue with drugs in wrestling since the whole Benoit thing has been how detrimental drugs are to performers' health. The issue I have with Hardy failing this Wellness test is more to do with a responsibility he has with the fans. He's had a great push over the last few months because the fans have cheered for him and responded enthusiastically to anything and everything that he does. He owes this push, to an extent, to the fans who've cheered him on. If it wasn't for them, he wouldn't be making more money now than he ever has in his career. I say that as if he'll be getting paid over the next 60 days.

Then just as the fans are achingly close to the pay-off they deserve (Money in the Bank leading to a title reign), he goes and blows it.

The only benefit of this of course is the fact that the Money in the Bank match is now wide open.

Downsides obviously include the continued demonisation of the wrestling industry thanks to one person's stupidity.

On a side note (and the only funny thing on this blog entry. Sorry), on Raw last night, Ric Flair actually said that when he started in the business, there was no such word as "sympathy". This statement truly is testament to the fact that his career has spanned centuries. When he started, there was no concept of happiness either. And this here internet was all fields.

Mullet

Today I got my hair cut for the first time in a while. When telling my work-mates that I was going to get a mullet, their laughs were far less supportive than I was expecting. When as one they exclaimed "WHY?!", I found it hard to actually justify.

I couldn't answer them. Here I was, consciously making a decision to look foolish, but I couldn't actually comprehend any kind of logic in order to justify it. All I could say was "I reckon I could pull it off". Because everyone throughout all of history who's ever had a mullet looks ridiculous, not because of the stupidity of the haircut itself, but because they're not me. A bold presumption indeed. But a correct one.

My new hair is badass.

But this evening, whilst appreciating the glory of my new barnet, the real reason I've gone for a mullet dawned on me. It's because of the prominence of mullets in Pro Wrestling. I cried a tear of shame when I realised how obsessed I am.

The first one that came to mind was Eddie Guerrero.



He is synonymous with the mullet. In a 2000 cartoon featured in WWF Magazine, a barber shop had a picture on the wall of a mulleted-bloke. The caption on the photo said "The Mullet a.k.a. The Eddie". Such was Eddie's infamy as a mullet-wearer, that he was arrested for having such out of control hair. Here's my evidence...



But where mullets and wrestling are concerned, there is only one king.



Awesome.

The magnitude of Mike Awesome's mullet made him the most feared wrestler of all time in Japan. There are accounts of fans at shows featuring The Awesome One packing nunchucks down their pants just in case the big guy got too close to them. The tradition caught on in North America in promotions such as ECW, though as Ninjas only live in Japan, these fat, white nerds had to settle for toilet seats and frying pans.

People will surely try and tell me to get rid of my mullet for the sake of style. But now that I've trodden-water in The Great Mullet Lagoon, I cannot go to the shores to dry off. For why? It's simple. Getting rid of mullets kills you. It's scientifically proven.

Eddie got rid of his, Mike got rid of his. Hell, Chris Benoit even had a mullet during the Invasion storyline. Jake Roberts has sported the business-front-party-behind-do for aeons, and despite all scientific and biological probability, he's actually defied the odds and not died. I'm convinced that after the world is wiped out by nuclear warfare, all that will be left is cochroaches, Keith Richards, Mae Young and Jake the Snake.

There is absolutely no way I'm getting rid of this now. For my own safety. Though, having considered eternity with Mae Young and Jake the Snake for company, I might have to think again.