So why wrestling?

Whenever I'm asked why I like professional wrestling, I always find that I'm slightly stumped to find an answer.

There's a stigma attached to wrestling that's as hard to explain as why I like it. I was in the States this summer on a roadtrip with my good friend Chris when our new friend from Buffalo, Joe, was describing the American equivalent of chavs by saying "You know, they like NASCAR and professional wrestling". Chris, who was driving at the time, looked at Joe as if he was going to kick him out and make him walk the other 600 miles to our destination. "What? Don't tell me you guys LIKE wrestling?!" was Joe's flabbergasted response. He couldn't believe that two, seemingly normal, British people actually liked wrestling.

But as a wrestling fan, when someone can't quite believe you like it, you feel threatened, and as if you have to justify your strange passion. I imagine it's harder to justify being a wrestling fan than it is to justify being a paedophile. At least paedos can say "There's something wrong with me noggin guvner". What can a wrestling fan say? "It's just that I like seeing two oiled up men writhing around in front of thousands of people..."

It's the stupidity of wrestling that really endears me to it though. TNA had a script for some upcoming shows leaked recently. In it, the phrase "Cue Pyro and Ballyhoo" was used. BALLYHOO. It was as if the script was written by Charles Dickens himself. It's the Ballyhoo (regardless of what that actually means) that makes wrestling. It's the je ne sais qua of it as a spectacle that truly makes it interesting. It's impossible to pick one single aspect as being the reason to watch it, just as it is (to a wrestling fan anyway), impossible to dislike it for one thing. All parts of it as a concept seem to fall together to make it what it is and make it so special.

This is the exact same reason that wrestling fans don't turn off wrestling in general when standards are crap all round (see this video). We endure the crap because we expect things to get better.

Incidentally, that giant turkey was Eddie Guerrero's big brother Hector Guerrero.

So why wrestling? Probably the same reason people rubberneck at crash sites - you don't know if you're going to like what you see (though at this moment in time, it's quite likely you won't), but what you do know is that you'll remember it.

Normal People?

What do you mean the Pro Wrestling lifestyle leaves people nuts and unbalanced? I mean, that whole "Benoit incident" was a fabrication of the mass media. Chris, Nancy, and whatshisface are living happily in Bermuda. It's just that the media is notorious for mixing up the phrases "moved with his family and started a new life" and "brutally slaughtered them in a fit of ROID RAGE".

You want a well-balanced veteran? Here's yer guy...



Damien Demento.

Damien, or 'Phil' to his mum, had a short-lived professional wrestling career which peaked in the main event of the first ever Monday Night Raw. He was in a match with The Undertaker, to whom he jobbed (You can in fact see that match here). Though if you were to call him a jobber today, he might say something along the lines of the following...



Actually, that's exactly what he'd say. Because that's him. Showing us all that he's OK despite spending several months of his life as a jobber. I do hope that he's saying what he's saying with a dash of irony. Because in all honesty, if your only offence in the biggest match of your life is throwing 4 punches, one kick and an Irish whip, then you my friend, are a jabroni of the highest order.

Someone seems to agree with me, as they created the following and posted it as a response to that very video...



I quite like other people at times like these.

He in fact has a whole string of these video blogs. You can find them here.

The comments people have left for him are wonderful.

Incidentally, I wonder if anyone will ever leave a comment on this blog.

DON'T SAY IT!

Just a quick thought about one segment on the Raw 15th anniversary show for now.

When Eric Bischoff was talking, he was interrupted by Y2J. Bischoff, in an attempt to diss Jericho, pretended to forget his name...

Bischoff: Who are you again? Chris... Chris...

Meanwhile backstage...

Sunny: OH CHRIS! WAAAAAA!!!!
Vince: DON'T SAY BENOIT...

A potential disaster. I could hear Vince's sigh of relief despite watching a recorded version of the show and being thousands of miles away.

You mean it's taped?!

I don't usually get a chance to watch Smackdown. Though this week I didn't get a chance to watch Raw, and therefore made effort to watch Smackdown this week.

Whilst watching it, I was absolutely positive that this blog would be about MVP's bouncer at his VIP lounge. When Michael Hayes made his way to the ring, said bouncer moved the velvet rope so that the Freebird (Who was obviously on the guestlist), could get into the ring. However, unlike most good bouncers, this one decided to let the patrons of the VIP lounge fight it out for some reason. Was he receiving fellatio from an underage girl who wanted access to the VIP lounge at the same time? If not, he better have an equally poor excuse.

But then the gross misconduct continues as he lets Rey Mysterio breeze past him like he was the guard at the gate on Monty Python and the Holy Grail who lets Sir Lancelot slip into the castle to slaughter thousands of wedding guests after killing his mate.

Despite this, I bet we see the bouncer next week. Hopefully though, surrounded by glamourous, scantily-clad call girls.

My main complaint about this week's Smackdown though, came in the main event. The first thing that irritated me was that Edge was disqualified for bringing a steel chair into the ring. He didn't even use it. Next week, he'll get disqualified for looking at his opponent. Then, as he and Batista stared down, the inevitable appearance of The Undertaker happened. But hang on, something seems familiar about this throat-hold-spear thing. Maybe it's something I saw last week? Yes! That's it! The same thing happened last week! Except instead of the Undertaker getting speared by Batista, the Undertaker got speared this week. No. Wait. It was something else that seemed familiar. Oh yeah, that's it. THEY USED LAST WEEK'S FOOTAGE AND PASSED IT OFF AS THIS WEEKS'.

The Undertaker held Edge by the throat, and in the split second it took for Batista to spear the dead man, Edge had miraculously changed his ring attire. Amazing! What made them do that? Why couldn't they just show the footage from that week's tapings?

STOOPID.

Saved

At last, it has happened. Since I first speculated over two months ago, Chris Jericho made his return to the WWE.

Over those two months, I've been saying how "imminent" his return was. Such is the power of Jericho that he can make me mark out without even being on TV for several years.

Such was my anticipation for his return that it was impossible to not have a shiver and feel the hairs on my arms stand on end when the countdown to his entrance began.

From the second he opened his mouth, I was saying his catchphrases along with him just like I did when I was 10 years old. Wrestlers have come and gone in that time, so has my interest in wrestling in general. But now with the very wrestler whose t-shirt was the first wrestling shirt I ever owned back on TV, things have gotten good.

Talentswap

So since I last wrote, Smackdown and ECW have openly been trading talent. However, what nobody's announced is how Smackdown talent is showing up on Raw. Rumours are abound of the abolition of talent-exclusive brands. If this is true, then it's fantastic. It would mean that anybody could pop up at any time on any show. It would also boost ratings if storylines can be shown over two or three shows - that is to say that viewers would have to tune in to three shows a week rather than just one to see progressions in storylines with their favourite wrestlers. Bonus time.

But what good have we seen from the talent swapping as of late? Well, obviously, as was evident last night, Batista's sucky mic-work is now broadcast live and un-edited. What better way to open Raw last night, than to hear a former sex-addict grunting into a microphone...

"Uruuagghhhh!...

Ohhhh! YEAHHH!

Ughh!

It's good to be back on RAW!"

I record all wrestling and watch it in my own time. I tend to skip promos (Especially Dave's) and watch matches if they have good wrestlers in them. But for some reason, I thought about Dave's BASKETBALL rant a few weeks ago and could actually sense gold coming from Dave's verbal diarrhoea.

When explaining the concept of Hell in a Cell, Batista tells us that "Weapons aren't only welcomed.... [looooooooooooong pause]........ They're allowed". GENIUS. In the long pause, you could see that Dave realised that he just used his punchline in his set-up. He looked as if he'd shat himself. Then, as he eventually got the final line out, if you watch it frame-by-frame, you can actually pin-point the exact second where Batista swallows his pride to deliver the last line so coyly. He then held his nose and covered his face, as if he had a stress headache. He didn't move for 5 seconds as he gave people watching time to digest what he actually just said and ask each other "He didn't just say what I think he did did he?". He then justifies it by blabbing out some crap about apologising if his mind's not where it should be or something equally stupid. He then calls out The Undertaker, who does his full entrance to the ring. Dave was staring at 'Taker as if he loved him as he walked to the ring. I was really scared that he was going to rip The Undertaker's clothes off and make him sit on his face. Thank God William Regal came out to interrupt what could easily have elevated into two grown men humping within the next 5 seconds.

The tag champs only got squashed because Batista and Taker were so overcome with testosterone that they would have been unstoppable in that ring. No jerkface, not THAT ring.

Too Used

So news broke this week that TNA were in talks with Brian Lawler and Scott Garland. AKA Royal Rumble 2000 interval act - Too Cool.

TNA obviously believe that tag team wrestling isn't dead yet. But they'll do everything in their power to make sure it happens. Why not hire a criminal to do this? And when that fails to kill the tag division, stick to what you're good at and continue re-hiring former WWE and WCW "talent".

Click the thumbnail for this week's comic strip...


When TNA realises how to be good, WWE will pick up its' game and finally be good. The result? Fans win!