Gladiators READY!

Everyone's favourite Hulkster is in the middle of filming the newly-resurrected American Gladiators, he's most probably in the studio filming at the very second I'm writing this.

However, it must be noted that The Orange One isn't actually teaching skinny guys without a tan a thing or two about the laws of physicality. He's actually just presenting the show.

Despite the disappointment of knowing that Hulk won't be battering people with his awesome leg drops in the middle of the Gladiators Arena, the promise of seeing Hulk presenting a TV Show will be full of so much win. Seeing a broken, old Terry Bollea hobbling around his home in Hogan Knows Best completely undermined the awesome power that THE HULKSTER harnessed back in the day.

Seeing The Osbournes was a similar experience. This was OZZY. He bit the head off a bat. He relieved himself on The Alamo. An absolute legend. But we get to see him struggling to string two words together as he attempts to give his teenage kids a telling off. But Ozzy is a drug-addled moron, surely we wouldn't see Old Man Bollea yelling at his kids and being subservient to a plastic wife, much like we'd seen Old Man Osbourne do the same thing. Unfortunately, we were wrong.

But Hulk speaking directly to cameras from a standing position will hopefully restore the respect that many will have lost for a man whose awesome exudes from every pore to such an extent that his skin is tainted orange by it.

Meanwhile, over here in the UK, the remake of Gladiators that Sky are insistent on seems to have missed the mark somewhat. While America gets a man who you respect and admire because you're slightly intimidated by him, we get Ian "Wright-Wright" Wright.

My problem with this is that Mr. "Wright-Wright" Wright is a man who no longer appears on Match of the Day because when TV cameras point at him, he appears to lose the ability to put his thoughts into coherent, linear sentences. Meanwhile, John Leslie is without work because he didn't rape anyone.

Speaking of John Leslie; Ulrika Jonsson has been replaced aswell. And by whom? None other than Kirsty "Generic-as-they-come" Gallacher. Ever since Kirsty's Home Videos turned out to be a hugely disappointingly mis-leading title, her career's absolutely sucked. Across the Atlantic, they have Muhammad Ali's daughter opposite Hulk Hogan. She no doubt has catchphrases such as "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee's daughter" and "I AM the greatest!...'s daughter!". Such charisma is sadly lacking in Kirsty's repertoire. The only thing she has going for her is the fact that she has the eyes of a camel. I fear that such a freakish trait would only keep viewers watching for a short period of time though.

What would keep people watching though would be replacing Ian Wright with Wolf from the original series. He could lay the smackdown on contestants much in the same way I would expect The Hulkster to do. Not only that, but he's revered in the UK much the same way that Hulk Hogan is in America. It would be the perfect equivalent.

What about Kirsty Camel eyes? Ahh who knows? Why not swap her with... ooh.. I don't know... take your pick... Jet?

The point is, the woman would be irrelevant as long as Wolf was on TV. We need Wolf on TV right now. In fact, click here to meet like-minded individuals.

Silly Sausage

Most of the time, whenever you shout "YOU BLOODY IDIOT!" at wrestling on TV, it'll probably be because you're watching TNA.

But today, as I watched last night's Raw, I was shouting it at Jeff Hardy. Who has spat in the face of a great push in such a fashion that it can be described as "RVD-esque". Van Dam, you will remember, was suspended in 2006 when he was WWE Champ after being arrested with Sabu for cannabis possession.

Hardy - knocking on the main event's door for months now - was almost a shoo-in to claim the briefcase in the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania at the end of the month. However Hardy's own stupidity is a real pain to fans because he is easily one of the most over wrestlers in the world right now.

The issue with drugs in wrestling since the whole Benoit thing has been how detrimental drugs are to performers' health. The issue I have with Hardy failing this Wellness test is more to do with a responsibility he has with the fans. He's had a great push over the last few months because the fans have cheered for him and responded enthusiastically to anything and everything that he does. He owes this push, to an extent, to the fans who've cheered him on. If it wasn't for them, he wouldn't be making more money now than he ever has in his career. I say that as if he'll be getting paid over the next 60 days.

Then just as the fans are achingly close to the pay-off they deserve (Money in the Bank leading to a title reign), he goes and blows it.

The only benefit of this of course is the fact that the Money in the Bank match is now wide open.

Downsides obviously include the continued demonisation of the wrestling industry thanks to one person's stupidity.

On a side note (and the only funny thing on this blog entry. Sorry), on Raw last night, Ric Flair actually said that when he started in the business, there was no such word as "sympathy". This statement truly is testament to the fact that his career has spanned centuries. When he started, there was no concept of happiness either. And this here internet was all fields.

Mullet

Today I got my hair cut for the first time in a while. When telling my work-mates that I was going to get a mullet, their laughs were far less supportive than I was expecting. When as one they exclaimed "WHY?!", I found it hard to actually justify.

I couldn't answer them. Here I was, consciously making a decision to look foolish, but I couldn't actually comprehend any kind of logic in order to justify it. All I could say was "I reckon I could pull it off". Because everyone throughout all of history who's ever had a mullet looks ridiculous, not because of the stupidity of the haircut itself, but because they're not me. A bold presumption indeed. But a correct one.

My new hair is badass.

But this evening, whilst appreciating the glory of my new barnet, the real reason I've gone for a mullet dawned on me. It's because of the prominence of mullets in Pro Wrestling. I cried a tear of shame when I realised how obsessed I am.

The first one that came to mind was Eddie Guerrero.



He is synonymous with the mullet. In a 2000 cartoon featured in WWF Magazine, a barber shop had a picture on the wall of a mulleted-bloke. The caption on the photo said "The Mullet a.k.a. The Eddie". Such was Eddie's infamy as a mullet-wearer, that he was arrested for having such out of control hair. Here's my evidence...



But where mullets and wrestling are concerned, there is only one king.



Awesome.

The magnitude of Mike Awesome's mullet made him the most feared wrestler of all time in Japan. There are accounts of fans at shows featuring The Awesome One packing nunchucks down their pants just in case the big guy got too close to them. The tradition caught on in North America in promotions such as ECW, though as Ninjas only live in Japan, these fat, white nerds had to settle for toilet seats and frying pans.

People will surely try and tell me to get rid of my mullet for the sake of style. But now that I've trodden-water in The Great Mullet Lagoon, I cannot go to the shores to dry off. For why? It's simple. Getting rid of mullets kills you. It's scientifically proven.

Eddie got rid of his, Mike got rid of his. Hell, Chris Benoit even had a mullet during the Invasion storyline. Jake Roberts has sported the business-front-party-behind-do for aeons, and despite all scientific and biological probability, he's actually defied the odds and not died. I'm convinced that after the world is wiped out by nuclear warfare, all that will be left is cochroaches, Keith Richards, Mae Young and Jake the Snake.

There is absolutely no way I'm getting rid of this now. For my own safety. Though, having considered eternity with Mae Young and Jake the Snake for company, I might have to think again.

Don't tell anyone Brutha!

So America's biggest rumour mill with credibility (somehow), The National Enquirer, has come out with the news that the Hulkster laid a (middle) leg drop on a woman who wasn't Linda.

Christiane Plant, a 33 year old who worked with Brooke on her music career was the lucky lady to find out what it feels like to have a 250 pound (though he was actually more like 800 pounds) orange bloke dropped on you from a height of six inches.

Apparently their affair took place last year at a time when Linda and Hulk knew their marriage was a sham being upheld for the sake of the longevity of their TV show. Who knew that The Orange One had a third "twenty four inch python" kept in his pants?

So when the guilt of going behind everyone's backs got too much for Christiane, what did she do? Write a letter to the person she had an affair with's daughter.

GENIUS.

Of all the things to do when you have an affair with someone, top of the list is most definitely "notify next of kin". What? How bloody stupid must you be to do that? Really. Higher on the list of things to do when you have an affair with someone and start feeling guilt is to place your genitals into a raging chemical fire. I'm sure she's got a great way to justify her blatant stupidity though:

"Oh I'm sorry, I always mistake riding The Hulkster with finding a dead body"

Fair enough. I imagine that all those "vitamins and prayers" that Hulk got called in to testify against Vince for in the early 90s make every single one of The Orange One's muscles feel relaxed these days. Unlike Jerry Lawler whose own, chemical brand of "vitamins and prayers" keep him going like a terrier five times a night. That is until you leave him after he's quit his job for you and then demand half of his money. In which case, him going limp is justified.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, this unknown woman told Brooke Hogan that she had an affair with her dad. I suppose that that kind of daft action isn't that surprising seeing as it came from someone who actually somehow managed to make love to a leather couch.

Before works, there were shoots

I can't believe it. I was watching my television with my mouth agog. Astonished at what I'd just witnessed. The beginnings of a feud that I actually wanted to watch.

If you'd seen No Way Out, you'd know that I was talking about The Big Show getting served a great big slice of broken-nose pie.

The speed with which Mayweather and his posse left the arena, the fact that him and his fifty-strong posse were wearing identical clothes, and the way that Shane appeared as if from nowhere to cut off The Big Show left me thinking that the way things panned out was according to the script. Except our 7-foot friend wasn't given the same script.

I think it all went according to plan (for The Big Show anyway) up until he kneeled down. Maybe a bitchslap was what he was expecting. But Mayweather would obviously not want to go along with that so as to maintain his reputation. Hence a secret compromise with the writers. The sharp exit with about a hundred Mayweather lookalikes leaves a chase from Show a losing battle for the big guy.

Shane appearing to cut him off at the pass adds to my suspicion that this was a shoot. Shane and Show have worked approximately five thousand angles throughout their careers and have become good friends. If anyone could talk him out of chasing someone to pummel them to death, it would be one of his best friends (Who happens to also be his boss).

I only have one reason to think that this wasn't actually a shoot. Despite that, it's a biggie and definitely out-weighs the factors in favour of the whole event being a shoot. The Big Show chased Mayweather. Where, outside of Loony Toons and professional wrestling, does someone who's just been attacked start a chase?

But my disbelief had been suspended for long enough for me to want to watch. Something that's not happened since I was about 12 years old. And yesterday's Raw was a treat too as they seem to be getting their money's worth from Mayweather by replaying Show's nose getting smashed about five hundred times in the two hour broadcast. Huge hype for this storyline. I'm genuinely excited by it.

I'd be even more excited to keep watching this story unfold if Mayweather's allowed on the microphone more often. I had no idea before watching this week's Raw that he loves "Plublicity". Beautiful. In the run up to "Wrestlemlania", I hope that Floyd (real name 'Foyd') gets a chance to lay the smlackdown on The Big Show in such a way that their big match at "The Grand-dladdy of them all" brings in more "Play-per-View" buys than Maria's tlits ever could.

WHAT?

So whilst checking the usual rumour sites today, a rather striking link was screaming "THIS IS SO WRONG!" at me.

"Another Diva pregnant, WWE-Incest update"

Interested, I obviously click in a frenzy. Unable to learn quick enough whatever this could be about. The story opens by saying how Stacey Colon, daughter of Puerto Rico's equivalent of Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon rolled into one; Carlos Colon, and sister of WWE superstar Carlito. I'm not sure if you're aware of Caribbean stereotypes, but if you were, you'd probably think that this kind of thing is more suited to Haitians.

This was easily the most morally-void stories in wrestling since Chris Benoit started playing Doom in real-life and got an invulnerability power up (They never did feel temporary at their height). The jokes would be endless:

Doctor: Congratulations, it's a two-headed freak with severe learning disabilities.
Carlito: That's not cool.

But it would be cool. It would be about a hundred times better than him chasing a leprechaun into a wall. Actually, forget it being a hundred times better. Multiply that hundred by an inconceivably high number, then you'd be getting close to how much cooler it would be than having one of the most talented guys on the roster jobbing to a midget. If they went through with that birth angle, they could even re-use the hand that Mae Young gave birth to. Recycled props FTW! There'd be a moral tale there too. Kids worldwide would learn that when brothers and sisters get jiggy, the only result is never a fully-functioning baby. Ultimately, you will be disappointed. So if you do manage to get your sister pregnant, you'd better talk her into getting that thing that rhymes with 'schmaschmortion'.

Though imagine my disappointment when I learned that the 'incest' thing was in reference to a completely different story. The comma was a dead give away. I should've known better.

The incest thing is actually about Paul Burchill's return from OVW with his kayfabe sister in tow as his lover. Apparently Burchill came up with the idea himself. Having seen her, he's not done too bad with the on-screen lover thing. Imagine how jealous Edge would be of Burchill. As disgusting as this angle might be, it's probably going to turn out great. Hopefully the bit of edginess that's been missing since the Attitude days ended. And by 'edginess' I mean 'car-crash TV'.

Watching this storyline unfold will definitely be the wrestling equivalent of rubber-necking at the scene of a fatal car crash. Though I imagine, and definitely hope, that this angle will have fewer real-life fatalities than a car wreck.

The Comish

So TNA have another Pay-Per-View next month - Against All Odds. Their usual February PPV.

However this PPV is different from most because the match they're hyping as the big draw for it was recorded three weeks before the event.

Why? I'm guessing it has something to do with this poster:


It was released a while back to hype the PPV. Hype it as having a barbwire massacre match of some sort. Except TNA didn't ask its' parents if it could be a cheeky bugger and have such a potential bloodbath in the state of South Carolina. In fact, the State's Athletic Commission, in a heelish swerve, has told TNA that they can't hold their match in their State. Which is all well and good really. I mean you wouldn't want to cross the line at your own party which someone else had very kindly offered to host for you.

The solution? Record the match and play the tape during the PPV and try and pull it off as being live. Not cool. But the real issue is the reason that TNA has been put in such a ridiculous position.

According to the South Carolina Department of Labor, Licensing and Regulation, the Commission's role is as follows: "The Commission directs, manages and controls boxing, wrestling, sparring events, exhibitions, athletic contests and performances occurring in South Carolina. The Commission stresses protection of the participants of athletic events. It investigates complaints and provides disciplinary actions whenever necessary."

The phrase "athletic contests and performances" must have only added "and performances" since it became public knowledge that wrestling was fixed. Why? A power-hungry body didn't want to lose any of its' authority. The solution to this is to centralize all wrestling authority to a single body. That way, you have one rule for all and consistency throughout the business which would not only regulate shows, but would be responsible for keeping promoters in line (good for both fans and performers), and would do all drugs testing on its' members. It would, in effect, be a union of sorts for wrestling.

On the flip side to this, you have to ask who would get such a thing up and running. It would have to be the company with the highest public profile, most public credibility (despite how low that credibility may be at this time), and the company with the most money. But if they did set it up, WWE would most definitely feel that they had a majority interest in the venture and would essentially have a monopoly, or at the very least, huge influence over what happened.

The only thing stopping this from happening is the absolutely huge and wide array of people involved in wrestling - it would be almost impossible to reach a consensus. The other downside is getting people to run it. Every one of wrestling's big shots hate each other. Vince McMahon, Jim Cornette, Paul Heyman... name whoever you like, you won't get enough people who get along with enough authority to make this work. But having said that, you would certainly hope that these people would put personal differences aside to do what was best for business.